I’ve been reflecting on this lately :-)
I’ve been in love before, had loved, and was loved back. Felt loved! Still, the singular feeling that remained with me after all these involvements and/ or fixations
(naks, para namang millions, hahahaha) was that though they loved me, they did not love me enough. Thus, my conclusion was that I ought to find someone who would be
mad about me. Who would want me, me, me! Perhaps that would be the thing :D!?!
Life being the way it is, I did, too, get to taste this so-called passion, I think. :D In fact, when this happened, it felt good to have someone crave me, want me, need me, “love” me.
These passions also didn’t work out. :-)
And yet, from where I am currently meditating, I think the ending part is beside the point, promise. I still wasn’t entirely happy with having someone crazy about me. Kick me if you want to, but isn’t “being eaten alive by love and passion” simply problematic? :-P
I am laughing here but I do believe in what I am currently saying. How uncomfortable would it be to have someone perpetually mad about me.
Mad is insane. I don’t want to have someone on my back, at my beck and call, hanging on to my every word (hahahahaha, hyperobole to illustrate a point, ok?). Nor do I want to always be on someone’s back, at his beck and call, and hanging on to his every word!
(I’d like to go and read a book instead, and have a slice of cheesecake or perhaps go and stand by myself in front of the airconditioner on a hot and humid day.)
I feel such a thing would be so disempowering. In fact, a better word I think is
dispiriting; it’s like killing the spirit.
Then, (I’ve done this before but I did it more thoroughly this time) I listed and explained to myself and to some, the various reasons why I think someone won’t love me. I said, am not sophisticated enough (hahaha). I am educated (hehe) and have lived a long time in what the Priestess calls, to my delight, the Manila jungle, but am no city slicker! Plus, am no stunning looker. I won’t make anyone a trophy girlfriend (not that I would want to, eeek, and not that it’s right for people to want a human trophy AAARGH).
I will have my appealing days and my mischievous mind will always be mine, but you know, I look just like me :D. Nor will I “win” in the moneyed or go-getter department. Am no career girl nor do I have material assets to my name. But I will earn my keep, I think. I will work on the things that I believe in, that make my heart beat faster, and that are true to me. I don’t expect (not consciously so haha) anyone to save me or feed me or keep my feet clod grandly year after year after year. I may never clean out a fish, but I surely can clean any toilet bowl or kitchen sink to make my momma happy* and my momma was born when the sun transited Virgo (hehehe).
So, those are all the reasons why, and I had firmly convinced myself of this.
But now, not only do I think I am worth it, I think I am wonderful :D! (hahahahaha). I think
ang ganda ko. (Para bang
Basta, I’m Beautiful, I don’t care.) I think masaya at masarap akong kasama. I think totoo at buo ako magmahal. I think nakakatawa ako. I think matalino ako. Heck, I even think suwerte siya na mamahalin ko at mamahalin ako. At bakit kaya naging Tagalog bigla ito? Hahahahahaha.
Somewhere along the way I think I’ve managed to stumble upon my
real love story, which is that I’ve really started to appreciate and love myself. Yehey! I love myself, and I don’t need romantic love to make me see that I am good! (Para bang may cheerleader pa nga sa loob ng ulo ko na nagsasabi pa na, “You go, girl!”)
Am not some kind of product that should pass people’s physical and material and superficial quality standards (you know, those people who classify women into gf or wife-material, I hate that). Am a person, a total living breathing complex person and I can’t be reconstituted nor reduced to fit a certain role, and to be made of certain materials. So who the hell cares if am not some sophisticated woman in black or in orange for that matter, if orange is the new black? I am me, and
I love :-D
So, lately, I no longer find myself getting frustrated or sad over someone(s). It no longer gets to me like it used to. You see, knowing and appreciating myself the way I do these days, gusto ko rin na buo ang loob sa akin ng taong magmamahal sa akin. I feel free in my love, and I wish them to feel free in loving me. I don’t feel that I need to convince or manipulate or charm or make myself more attractive. I am me, already. I have been me, and I still am me, and if that’s not who they love or are going to love, then it’s not going to work, and that would be that, :D.
Am not mad at them either. Hindi ako galit na hindi pa o hindi nila ako mahal. Ok lang sa akin kung ano ang nararamdaman nila. Mayroon akong mahal pero kung hindi niya ako mahal in that way, then hindi. Sana, oo pero kung hindi, ok na rin. Kakaiba ang feeling na wala akong kinaiinisan o kinagagalitan, dahil sanay na ako na mayroon laging may kasalanan.
Pero puwede pala iyon. It’s possible to love unconditionally. It’s possible for people to feel differently, and yet no one is at fault, or to blame. Things just are, am just me, and love just is.
:-) Ehehe.
____
*This is really only theoretical because ever since I learned how to clean bathrooms well, my mom and I have lived apart :D, and thus far I have had no occasion to prove this theory true :D.
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