beyond worlds, 2006

i wish for a sweet gentle intimate and enduring relationship with B.

damn damn damn damn

and the flip side of my current problematic now is that i want to learn to do couples counselling. because i would like to be in a couples counselling session now. if we can get thru this, maybe i can learn to do that.

yuck, marriage counselor. hehehehe.

at heto pa

might as well :P since i started it already.

1. gusto ko kasi maging practicing therapist. promise. nawa'y maging magaling at makakatulong ako sa ganitong trabaho :)
2. sana'y lumago ang aming pagsasamahan at pagmamahalan ni B

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'Yon

1. i wish the world (people) a common Now with their loved ones :)
2. i wish me and b more time, being together. i hope we can go to the beach! and to the UK together! ;))
3. i wish my dad can forgive mother, that they become friends, it's a gaping wound that can be healed.
4. i wish my brother romantic love in his life, and more openness towards "pagans" as the avalon priestesses would say. hehehe.
5. i wish my sister a "wholistic" "healing" time in the Philippines :)
6. i wish myself a more peaceful and loving heart, more accepting, more patient, more nurturing, more forgiving :)
7. i wish myself to be friend to more others :)

atin atin lang HB ;))

dear universe,

i want to marry someone who will truly love me and understand me, and whom i will truly love, who can teach me some of what i need to learn, and learn from me what i will need to teach, who can help me become true-er to my soul's purpose for living this lifetime ;), and likewise, and who will be truly loyal to me for all that it's worth. HEHEHEHE.

tani, we can also spend more time together, with others, and with other people.

i realized the other day how important commitment is to a relationship, so that things aren't up in the air all the time, and one can have the space and the time to just be. Be Together.

some of the things that are going on in my life right now: i keep coming back to knowing within the very roots of my hair, that i want to keep a light and glad heart, such that whenever i am tempted, or when situations arise that seem to call for drama mode, my soul shudders. i want to keep a light and glad heart. and i want to keep a light and glad heart with regard to my relationship with b :). i want to keep a light and glad heart about myself, about my friends, about my work, about life and love and all that :P

i keep coming back to reminding myself to occupy the moment! to live the moment that presents itself, to leave the past moment, and to let the future moment alone. To fully occupy my moment's moment.

it helps promise :D it keeps me from worrying about whatever, helps keep me focused, helps me keep a glad and light heart.

this moment's moment :D
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back from vis

nais kong maging mas simple
nais kong huwag matali sa kaiisip
nais kong magtiwala
nais kong tumbokin ang mga puso't kaluluwa
ng mga taong nakakasalubong sa biyahe.
tulad ng iyong ginagawa.

the power of wishing

dear universe,

1. hope to find many more new and loving friends in my life :D to widen the circle and broaden the coven
2. hope gf becomes friends with bf but won't make "akit" or will herself to "hulog" (you know what i mean universe, there's akit and then there's akit, there's hulog and then there's hulog) consequently potentially undermining/ hurting our friendship and my romantic relationship
3. hope bf stays the same but will be wise and loving enough to set boundaries to friendship, when the need arises (because it can and will)
4. hope i stay loving and wise enough to remain loving, understanding and open, and that i communicate this core to those who misunderstand :)
5. hope i stay on track with loving people -- those i work with, friends, family, strangers, myself. you know what i mean :p

thank you, U ;)

24-hour togetherness

Bed Politics

You with your space, your grace.
Your sleeplessness stops me.
You cannot be hugged.

I offer love from two inches away.

*****************************************

In this moment together, let us delight in each other.

I am sorry for practicing on you. You are here with me now, and I learn from being with you. You too practice on me.

If I have offended your spirit in any way, I apologize. I could not help it.

The angels cheer because we’re together

And so between 11 and 11:30
Almost like an after thought
We slipped into our life together.

I like that the world failed to
Stop in its tracks
But instead the stars gleamed

We became us.

Without the hoopla,
Our constellation as important
As the others in our personal skies

You are the answer to my
Inborn territoriality; you
Who was already you long ago.

You whom I love now.

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continuing conversations

kung bakit ang luyag ay hindi necessarily love/lab:

kasi yong love, mapagkalinga, mapagbigay, generous
yong luyag naghahanap ng "kami" "tayo"
anong pinag-iba "natin" sa "iba"
naghahanap ng affirmation ang ego
na siya ay "espeyshal"
(ang pagbabalik ni siopao)

malinaw: ...malinaw pa rin:
lubos na makabuluhan kaya't pinagdadaanan.

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MY CHRISTMAS GIFT TO MYSELF IS MY MONDO BEYONDO LIST

Repeat after me: Mondo Beyondo!!

1. I want to write my own book.
2. I want to be in a long-term romantic relationship and friendship with someone who too is soulful, and playful, and smart and kind, and gender-sensitive and sexy. Kids can be included.
3. I want to travel around the world or around lots of places with a lover.
4. I want my parents to enjoy a grandchild by me.
5. I want my own laptop.
6. I want to make it in feminist psychology as counselor, researcher and writer.
7. I want to live with my partner-lover at Gleaming.
8. I want my own clothes and book and coffee shop.

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poems for him who was a playboy*

written 8-10 years ago

Unintimate

I fill your life with symbols,
That dance like dust motes
Carried by a breath of wind.
Before your lips that smile,
And eyes that do not see:

My cassette tape thrown carelessly
beside your stereo,
Fish from my province in your freezer,
Large bottle of vitamin pills
on your table,
Files in your hard disk drive and
The pink alarm clock I lent you
when you first started work.

Even the whiff of my scent on your
favorite pillow.

The familiarity I seek,
Permanent place I long for,
Escapes you, indifferent lover –
The way the early morning sun
Plays on your face
As you rub your eyes
And fails to charm you.

I know that it’s hopeless.
I have no place.



Freed

Wolf-woman
Howlssss at the moon –
A keen wailing
That topples
The neighbor’s
TV antenna from the roof,

Disturbs the
Deep sleep of
Corpses in a nearby
Cemetery.

And sends some
stars spinning away to other
galaxies
in fright.

She mourns.

In the daytime,
A pretty young woman
In her early 20s
(And grinning)
rushes into the office and
plonks into her seat.

On nights when the
Wolf-woman doesn’t howl
She whimpers endlessly to herself
Rocking on her heels.

(with apologies to Clarissa Pinkola Estes)

*playboy, a thoroughly retro-sounding term. :D hihihihi!

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New Moon Today

July 17: New Moon in Cancer
A fresh, hopeful new Moon plants itself in Cancer on the 17th.  Cancer is a sign associated with returning to your roots and getting back to the origin of things. This event could mean a chance to restore broken connections or reestablish a relationship that dissolved because of stress or the passing of time. If someone comes back into your life, and you're not emotionally prepared to deal with them, tell them so. Listen to your instincts on this one, not their demands.This new Moon will especially influence those of you born under the cardinal signs, particularly Cancers born July 16-20, Libras born Oct 17-21, Capricorns born January 14-18 and Aries born April 14-18.
 
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In the now

In the now.
Not a moment too soon, and not a moment too late.
In the now is in this moment, and what this moment is.

oOo

Thoughts on process.

When I look back, I see me.
In the now, there is still myself,
And from now, me
In the future.

What I mean is.
I am glad for this moment, this me.
Different but not different
From the me then.
And the future me.

Everything is in this moment. Hehehe!

What I also meant was.
Without me then, there won’t be me now.

So now I say to myself,
(specific example for this riddle is posted on the blog you may know as Explanations or Capricorn)

An evolution of me. The same me with different answers, a process
No judgment, not one is better or worse, bad or good.
Just that it took me then to be me now, me me me hehehe.

oOo

There is not a part of me that I reject
For everything is part of me.
Then now and will be (already).

OOo

My silence could mean different things to one who doesn’t sense these things
(Or does not read blogs).

There is a sulky silence, resentful, waiting to pounce.
A red-faced angry silence, waiting to burst.
A yearning, longing silence, sad,
pink and gray tendrils enveloping the world

And a respectful silence
Its mind blank
That knows the wisdom is in the moment
And for this moment, there is silence.

Being centred
Not panicking
No bad no good no guilt
Better posture
Losing excess weight
Baggage
Stress
Loving, knowing
Practicing will,
Integrity and staying with
The now.

Goodnight now.
:-P

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My love story.

I’ve been reflecting on this lately :-)

I’ve been in love before, had loved, and was loved back. Felt loved! Still, the singular feeling that remained with me after all these involvements and/ or fixations (naks, para namang millions, hahahaha) was that though they loved me, they did not love me enough. Thus, my conclusion was that I ought to find someone who would be mad about me. Who would want me, me, me! Perhaps that would be the thing :D!?!

Life being the way it is, I did, too, get to taste this so-called passion, I think. :D In fact, when this happened, it felt good to have someone crave me, want me, need me, “love” me.

These passions also didn’t work out. :-)

And yet, from where I am currently meditating, I think the ending part is beside the point, promise. I still wasn’t entirely happy with having someone crazy about me. Kick me if you want to, but isn’t “being eaten alive by love and passion” simply problematic? :-P

I am laughing here but I do believe in what I am currently saying. How uncomfortable would it be to have someone perpetually mad about me. Mad is insane. I don’t want to have someone on my back, at my beck and call, hanging on to my every word (hahahahaha, hyperobole to illustrate a point, ok?). Nor do I want to always be on someone’s back, at his beck and call, and hanging on to his every word! (I’d like to go and read a book instead, and have a slice of cheesecake or perhaps go and stand by myself in front of the airconditioner on a hot and humid day.)

I feel such a thing would be so disempowering. In fact, a better word I think is dispiriting; it’s like killing the spirit.

Then, (I’ve done this before but I did it more thoroughly this time) I listed and explained to myself and to some, the various reasons why I think someone won’t love me. I said, am not sophisticated enough (hahaha). I am educated (hehe) and have lived a long time in what the Priestess calls, to my delight, the Manila jungle, but am no city slicker! Plus, am no stunning looker. I won’t make anyone a trophy girlfriend (not that I would want to, eeek, and not that it’s right for people to want a human trophy AAARGH).

I will have my appealing days and my mischievous mind will always be mine, but you know, I look just like me :D. Nor will I “win” in the moneyed or go-getter department. Am no career girl nor do I have material assets to my name. But I will earn my keep, I think. I will work on the things that I believe in, that make my heart beat faster, and that are true to me. I don’t expect (not consciously so haha) anyone to save me or feed me or keep my feet clod grandly year after year after year. I may never clean out a fish, but I surely can clean any toilet bowl or kitchen sink to make my momma happy* and my momma was born when the sun transited Virgo (hehehe).

So, those are all the reasons why, and I had firmly convinced myself of this.

But now, not only do I think I am worth it, I think I am wonderful :D! (hahahahaha). I think ang ganda ko. (Para bang Basta, I’m Beautiful, I don’t care.) I think masaya at masarap akong kasama. I think totoo at buo ako magmahal. I think nakakatawa ako. I think matalino ako. Heck, I even think suwerte siya na mamahalin ko at mamahalin ako. At bakit kaya naging Tagalog bigla ito? Hahahahahaha.

Somewhere along the way I think I’ve managed to stumble upon my real love story, which is that I’ve really started to appreciate and love myself. Yehey! I love myself, and I don’t need romantic love to make me see that I am good! (Para bang may cheerleader pa nga sa loob ng ulo ko na nagsasabi pa na, “You go, girl!”)

Am not some kind of product that should pass people’s physical and material and superficial quality standards (you know, those people who classify women into gf or wife-material, I hate that). Am a person, a total living breathing complex person and I can’t be reconstituted nor reduced to fit a certain role, and to be made of certain materials. So who the hell cares if am not some sophisticated woman in black or in orange for that matter, if orange is the new black? I am me, and I love :-D

So, lately, I no longer find myself getting frustrated or sad over someone(s). It no longer gets to me like it used to. You see, knowing and appreciating myself the way I do these days, gusto ko rin na buo ang loob sa akin ng taong magmamahal sa akin. I feel free in my love, and I wish them to feel free in loving me. I don’t feel that I need to convince or manipulate or charm or make myself more attractive. I am me, already. I have been me, and I still am me, and if that’s not who they love or are going to love, then it’s not going to work, and that would be that, :D.

Am not mad at them either. Hindi ako galit na hindi pa o hindi nila ako mahal. Ok lang sa akin kung ano ang nararamdaman nila. Mayroon akong mahal pero kung hindi niya ako mahal in that way, then hindi. Sana, oo pero kung hindi, ok na rin. Kakaiba ang feeling na wala akong kinaiinisan o kinagagalitan, dahil sanay na ako na mayroon laging may kasalanan.

Pero puwede pala iyon. It’s possible to love unconditionally. It’s possible for people to feel differently, and yet no one is at fault, or to blame. Things just are, am just me, and love just is.

:-) Ehehe.


____
*This is really only theoretical because ever since I learned how to clean bathrooms well, my mom and I have lived apart :D, and thus far I have had no occasion to prove this theory true :D.

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A Post to Prevent the Priestess from Reading Further Than This Point

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A Spidey Skeptic (hehe)

Uh-oh.

Am I going to be the only one with issues against Spiderman the movie?!?!

I must find some reinforcements before the pansy gets trampled by the madding crowd! Or worse, elephants! Hehehe!

It’s actually everyone's fault :-P. Having come from our discussion on rowing a million miles for love, I came to the conclusion that love is true, and fear is false (see Joannie's).

So it was that I saw Spiderman 2 already knowing in my soul that loving someone truly, and doing what you are meant to do is not a contradiction. Am done with this particular drama. I feel that love makes you more of yourself, and when you are more of yourself, you are able to do better at what you do. It’s that spring in your step, that twinkle in your eye, and the web that shoots out from your palms. Hehehe!

So, I saw the movie with mind and spirit already resolved about this dilemma. In other words, di ako naka-relate sa lahat ng emote tungkol dito. (:-P Please huwag niyo muna akong patayin habang hindi pa niya ako mahal. Hehehehe!) While Peter Parker was emoting to himself about it, I was saying in my head, nah, that should not be a problem because love is true. Hehehe! So I wasn’t too happy on this love or heroism question, even though it was, in the end, resolved in love and heroism’s favor. It took too long! :D Pero sige lang.

Secondly, I was so into the movie at the beginning that my moviemate thinks I plain got tired out and just started disbelieving. Yup, too true. The first part had me bleeding on to the sticky cinema floor mess (oo na, saw the movie at a less desirable for movies mall, hehehe but it’s not my fault :D) for poor Peter and all his tragedies in life. Especially his poor aunt about to be driven out of house and home. It got to be too much. I just gave up.

Third, at some point in the movie, I just felt my brain had zombied. I was bored with the villains, bored with the love question, bored with the tragedies. Maybe this is because I don’t really believe in villains. I like movies with multi-dimensional characters, where you get caught up in the intricacies of each person.

But yes, Spiderman spinning and springing from building to building was indeed a sight to behold. Fantastic graphics :D

Plus, I've always liked Tobey Maguire! And it wasn't bad, just that I wasn't floored. :D

And yes, I too have loved blockbuster movies, so am not some bornot girl just wanting to take issue with the current most popular movie worldwide. I adored Troy, giggled to Shrek, and cheered for Harry and the Prisoner of Azkaban.

This spirituality. It gets in the way of maximizing P80. Or not. Hahaha.

I love you all :D.


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